The Pointers: by Pastor Troy DeFeo
January 4th, 2019

Hope for a Difficult or Abusive Marriage

Those who marry will have troubles. That’s what Paul told the Corinthian church in 1 Cor. 7:28. Even the godliest or best couples you know can struggle to protect their marriage vows. But what happens when marriage troubles become unbearable? Is there a point at which couples should end a bad marriage? Or is there hope for something better? Walk through the following steps as you prayerfully evaluate your situation.

Step One: Discern Minor from Major Trouble

Unfortunately, many marriages end today before they even begin. Sometimes we invite a toxic person that is addicted to drugs and alcohol, abusive verbally or physically or even controlling in many facets of their life. The University of Texas researcher Norval Glenn has found that divorces today are often blamed on problems such as “lack of commitment”, “too much conflict and arguing,” “unrealistic expectations” and “lack of preparation.” These are problems that both husband and wife should work to overcome. Despite what friends, family or popular culture might say, these issues are no reason to end a marriage--especially in light of the serious long-term impact of divorce has on your children.

What is crazy, in the book, “The Case for Marriage”, by Maggie Gallagher and Linda Waite, explain that couples who think their only options are to either divorce or be miserable often find things seem to get better over time if they just stick it out and work on it through counseling. In fact, almost 78 percent of husbands and wives who were very unhappy in their marriage yet stayed together, described themselves as very happy just five years later!

Step Two: Anticipate the Hope after the Trouble

Major trouble occurs when someone either abuses or abandons their role in a marriage---when they break trust with their spouse and violate their vows. While God hates divorce (Mal.2:16), He does permit it for marital unfaithfulness (Mt.5:32, 19:1-8). In God’s grace, He allows men and women whose spouses chose to be unfaithful to start over.

Step Three: If needed, Protect Yourself and Your Children

If your marriage is marked by physical, sexual, or emotional abuse, you may find yourself confused, frightened and unsure about what to do. Especially being a Christian. The most important thing you can do right now is taking steps to protect yourself and your children (even if they are adult children in the house) from harm. Even if you want to save your marriage, you should not risk the safety of yourself or anyone living in the toxic home at that time...ever! A period of structured and therapeutic separation may be needed and can make it possible for you to get the help your marriage needs while making your family less vulnerable.

Should a man or woman is abusive, although it really does not specifically speak about abuse as a reason to divorce, asking for wisdom (James 1:5), (1 Cor.10:13), and following civil law is imperative. (Romans 13:1,2) or (1 Cor.8:9). Jesus Christ gives us the freedom in His grace to make biblical and sound decisions based on civil law, to protect themselves or even a child.

It is always best to seek biblical counseling for reconciliation. (Mt.18:16).

Step Four: Seek Guidance---Don’t Go It Alone

Whatever situation you’re in, don’t struggle through a difficult marriage alone. You need your church body (or someone in the church you trust) to be an advocate for you. Seeking pastoral counseling to get prayer, perspective and advice is always the best idea. Never make drastic life changes monetarily unless you are as certain as you can be with the consequences of your actions. Often times when the marriage is in trouble, temptations to see other people, make life changes or start drinking can lead to more troubles than you had before. Which can also lead in decisions for a judge to base your life choices at that time to NOT be what you want. This happens all the time during divorce hearings.